Name Change

“You shall now refer to me as _________” (fill in the blank).

The whole idea of undergoing a name change operation late in life seems ridiculous to me. I’d even call it a pet peeve. I can understand someone in their teens or younger, who really doesn’t identify with the name they were given, deciding to change it to something else. One of the guys I went to school with changed his name at least two times and back again and then to something new, I lost count. We haven’t been in contact for many years; he probably has changed his name again by now.

Once a person is past the teens and more settled into their life, a name change becomes silly and complicated. There are all the logistical headaches i.e. notifying acquaintances of the change, changing email addresses, updating bank accounts, passport, driver’s license and the rest of the legal rigamarole. My mom decided to change her name. That’s fine. It’s her decision, whether I think it is a good idea or not. Besides, I usually call her “mom” anyway.

In the grand scheme of things, in the vast universe, I could care less what sounds and letters other people use to refer to the minuscule lump of atoms / configuration of impermanent thoughts and energies that coalesce to form “me”. In essence I am much more than that and at the same time none of it.

The ever present now is constantly changing. The atoms in the body, the perspective of consciousness, the surroundings – are all changing faster than a millisecond and everything is completely new, even though it may seem to be the same and static. Technically, I am a new person every moment. Why not have a new name for each new moment?

So yeah, I started to think about it more. I started to look at it from a different perspective and shed off my pet peeve. Perhaps there is something to this name change business after all.

I started thinking about what I would want to be called if I were to do a name change. And, the first thing that popped into my head was…


Yes! Pooptard. I love it!!

I started imagining how things would be different if I my name were Pooptard. It would be absolutely fantastic receiving important business calls and hearing, “Hello, may I speak to Pooptard?” I might even have to run for president. Imagine that, president elect Pooptard. Just Pooptard, no last name.

Would people think I am from another country? Would people be too embarrassed to call me by my new name? I don’t think I’d ever grow tired of the new name and new situations it would bring about. There would be an abundantly flowing fountain of joy and entertainment with every new encounter. I’d even be looking forward to telemarketers calling to try and sell me their crap. I’d go so far as to take my name off the Do Not Call Registry.

But wait. Is Pooptard the best possible name change? What about Pootard? Should I just go with the brazen Pooptard or soften it a bit with Pootard? I guess I could always change it later…

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