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As a man, you are either an asshole or you are gay. It is common knowledge that men are assholes, and nobody likes an asshole (except for gay men). Actually, some women like assholes because they think they can fix them. But that rarely works out.

It is quickly becoming the favorite American pastime to try and figure out whether a guy is gay or not. If you are good looking, you are gay. If you are nice, you are gay. If you express your feelings, you are gay. If you care about other people, you are gay. If you walk a certain way, you are gay. If your pinky finger becomes dislodged while drinking from a cup or glass, you are gay. If you have clothes, you are definitely gay.

If you don’t clear your nose loudly and hurl a loogy onto the asphalt you are gay. If you don’t like football you are gay. If you don’t own a large truck with at least 6 cylinders, you are gay.

Types of Gay Men

1. If you are a large hairy gay man, you are a bear
2. If you are just a hairy gay man, you are an otter
3. If you are a lean and masculine gay man, you are a wolf
4. If you are a gay man concerned about looking good, you are a metrosexual

* Courtesy of Wikipedia

If you say you are straight, you are really just a repressed closet homosexual. As Kurt Cobain said, “Everyone is gay”.

Homophobia and hate crimes against other people because of their sexual preference is ridiculous. If you know which gender you prefer, why bother? Is there anything stupider than wasting time and energy hating another person who is doing you no harm and in no way threatens your existence? Segregation ended 41 years ago (how is it possible that so many people were so stupid just 41 years ago?), yet there are still many people who think other humans are inferior because of the color of their skin. All of this prejudice is just like the good old days of ignorance in Medieval times (although there was probably less prejudice back then because modern transportation had not arrived yet to open the possibility for a global society). Are we still living in the dark ages of the mind?

That said, I do not like to be hit on by gay men. However, when this happens it gives me a slight understanding of how women must feel who often have unappealing men eyeballing them and thinking about having sex with them. It is annoying, and I wish I had better manners!

When I think about it, it is rather strange that people of the same sex would be attracted to each other. It serves no purpose in terms of reproduction, which is the primary function for the sex drive. But then again, the whole human race is freaking strange. Look at all the weird crap on TV. Look at the phobias people have (Arithmophobia, Barophobia, Chronomentrophobia, Dendrophobia to name a few). How about all the ways people mutilate their bodies with metallic objects and scar art? Most animals prefer not to be wounded. Why do humans think it is beautiful? We are a strange species with a strange blend of instincts and intellect. I’m strange, no doubt about that. It is perfectly fine that things are strange. Life would be boring if there were nothing out of the ordinary. And, who is anyone to say what is ordinary? Life invents itself and manifests on its own terms. We are just a minuscule component in the grand scheme of things.

So then, is there any logic to being gay? Let’s not consult the Catholic priests. Instead, let’s go straight to the bible. If you believe in God and read the bible, then you know that God created everything (including gay people).

Genesis 1:26
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness

Since God made gay men, does this mean that God is gay? (By the way, who was God talking to… himself?)

If God is gay, what kind of a gay man do you think he is: bear, otter, wolf, metrosexual? We do know that he is fond of white robes. Perhaps God is a metro.

Genesis 1:31
And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very gay

And, what is with of all this sperm bank business? Perhaps it is an industry backed by female scientists who are secretly plotting to make men obsolete. It is a perfect plan. Pay men to do what they do best and let them contribute to their own demise. Once there are enough reserves, the plan will go into phase B and there will be no more assholes on the planet. Maybe, just maybe women will keep a couple of gay guys around to help them with their shopping. Good luck ladies!